The last day that I’m 20.

Ok, guys it’s going to be another post full of dramatic and a bit cliche-d blog post…
I just love being kinda emotional and nostalgic on special occasions…

So. Here I go.

It’s the last day I am 20. It’s the last day I say that I’m 20. It’s the last day that I’ll ever be 20 again.

Tomorrow will just be another day, probably a soggy and normal Vancouver one.

But for me, I like to think about it as a very special one, the one that proves that I have lived 21 years.
Compared to others, my life may not have been that dramatic or even hard to live through.
However, it’s another year that I was able to survive and live through healthy.
Another year I will be able to live to the next year, when some people may have lost their lives
way too early… Why not celebrate that mark?

I also really feel the importance of the people who surround you. We live our lives alone, but without
the support and insight of others, I probably wouldn’t go too far. Alot of greatness and bitterness
comes through the relationships we have with others. The experience and the things you learn from
others through the encounters, I believe truly enrich our lives. We may be too involved sometimes,
but we learn most from these moments. Otherwise, what’s the fun being stuck in your own world all the time?
Although I admit that I have my flaws and there are so many more things I need to learn,
I’m grateful at where I am right now being able to be the person I am.
I cherish the moments I spend with my loved ones, the ones that give me the real laughs, inspire me, and
stay close when I’m about to be blown away by the wind.
So much struggle and questions that I’m faced with daily, but without them I wouldn’t be able to reflect and
dream to attain something better.

I love living life. It’s not perfect, but to think that one body can feel so many different things and experience so much,
I can’t think of ending my life just yet. So much more possibilities and people I would love to get to know and meet.

I’ll just be 20 + 1 tomorrow, and I won’t be someone totally different in one day.
But having another great excuse to spend time with your friends and loved one
shouldn’t be problem right?

Mom, Dad, and Ran (my cute dog who I know secretly stil loves me…) I love you so much.
You really have really given me the roots and morals I should live by well, I know with
what you gave me, I can really go far.

And for all of you that have read this post til the end,

Thank you so much I know that in someway or another you care and that means a lot.
I have probably been a bad friend at some point in everyone’s life, but I appreciate that
you decided to still stick around in my life, it means a lot to me… Even if we have fallen
out of touch, the memories still stay very fresh in my mind, something that has created “me.”

I’m so excited to think about what I’ll be saying when I’m 22
I think I’ll have an all pink party…

But til then, I’ll just enjoy the last hours of being 20. Haha.

Lots of love,
hana

the last days of being 20.

*caution* this is my personal blabberings…

I love talking to my Mom.
Today I decided to call her since I had been neglecting to contact her.
Each time I call her, she does blabber alot of things that I may not be listening
but, at the same time has a lot of wisdom about little things to big things in life.
That sounds very vague, but it does come out in random conversations but are
charged with wisdom. As I have been writing in my past entries, I have heavily
been influenced by my Mother and she has always been a person that I have
been looking up to. Although recently, I finally realized that I couldn’t be her,
I still respect and take her words of reason to balance out my heart of emotions.

I call myself “wagamama,” a word in Japanese that means self-centered or selfish.
But when I was talking to my Mother about it today, I realized that alot of these
qualities root from me placing my “emotions” in front of everything and
really pushing through it at anytime.
This can both be a great but worst trait ever.

The reason I’m writing this all out is because I’m turning 21 in a week and a half,
and I feel like this year more than ever was a year of my emotions. I thought
i would be maturing, but it seems like I have been going back to my roots…
I wonder if this year turning 21 now, I can really focus on thinking about others,
and really figuring out what it is to be “thinking about others.” And also creating
a mind that can just stop being too emotionally thinking frantically and incorporate the
“jeitinho Brasilera” which direct translation “the brazilian way,” or as they are, being less serious
and just going with the flow. According to my Mother, I should just incorporate a little
bit of that. Haha.

I guess in reality, my life will not change over night. Just because I turn 21,
it will mean nothing much, it’s another day that I happen to turn another
year older, another year healthy that I lived through.
AND I PLAN  TO LIVE LONGER AND LONGER!!!!
And, I know I’ll change, and it will be interesting what I’ll be saying when I turn 22…

But, it is the first birthday ill be spending here in Vancouver.
So it should be different….?

If you read it til the end, thank you very much for listening to me
blabber! Cheers!

cultures.

We should never judge people by looks, yet in many cases subconsciously
I find we make assumptions by just looking or more with the
first impression we get from them.

Where are they from?
What kind of clothes do they wear?
What do they smell like?
How do they carry themselves?
How do they speak?

All of these affect alot of how we see the person.

I understand how looks deceive the reality of the person, but many so
much more than we can really realize.
We are born with a certain identity look that we receive from our parents.
But depending on where your parents are from and where you are brought up,
alot of your identity will change during that period. You might start speaking
languages that other people will never believe you could speak or know about
a certain culture…
Our identity is not really created by how we look like anymore, but more about
where we were born and the culture your parent’s were brought up in too.
I’m born between a Japanese decendent Mother who was born and raised in Brazil,
and a Japanese Father who was born and raised in Japan. So that does make me
Brazilian and Japanese. Yes, I don’t look Brazilian. But I’ll ask you, what is
Brazilian? This territories we call countries, it’s identites are so fragile.
The situation has changed very quickly, but our way of categorization
seems to be lagging, evolution at the end is not a quick process.

And, when different cultures share one space, it is hard to find common ground of knowledge and
I know for a fact that each culture fights to survive, gain the same rights as some
other people in the country. The cultural diversity that we cherish at certain time
creates turmoil, violence, and despair. Now with globalization probably
much more than it used to be. It’s ironic, but such a beautiful thing.
But the reality is, it is very hard to understand every culture or be educated about it.

An aquaintance the other day said to me:
“Oh, I love how you say your name and everything else in an Japanese manner!”
I’m sure she didn’t mean in light of any negative intent, but no honey,
my name is pronounced “Hana” and that is the only name that I have.

But I didn’t want to negotiate, my name is just lost among Hannas and Hannahs.
I should have told her, but I was just too drained to be negotiating.

And should it be each person’s duty to actually notify them about a part of your
culture? How much should we actually negotiate? And for me, I feel as if I should
spend time with people that I actually care about and that’s who I really want
to be understood by, or at least acknowledged by.

It is such a delicate topic, I hope I haven’t offended anyone with this topic.
I apologize if I have, and I hope they come to talk to me if they are.
But what I wanted to just write about was the fragility of looks, countires, and cultures.
There isn’t any more distinct cultures that exist anymore… We really need to
start looking at each people with a bit more open eyes and not assume anything…
Something I should learn to do too.

Rawr.

being lost.

“There is a vitality, a life force, an energy, a quickening that is translated through you into action, and because there is only one of you in all of time, this expression is unique. And if you block it, it will never exist through any other medium and it will be lost. The world will not have it. It is not your business to determine how good it is nor how valuable nor how it compares with other expressions. It is your business to keep it yours clearly and directly, to keep the channel open. You do not even have to believe in yourself or your work. You have to keep yourself open and aware to the urges that motivate you. Keep the channel open. … No artist is pleased. [There is] no satisfaction whatever at any time. There is only a queer divine dissatisfaction, a blessed unrest that keeps us marching and makes us more alive than the others”
・ Martha Graham
Weird roads are taken, questions unanswered.
We accuse ourselves of things that happened
and wished we could relive it. We suffer with it.
We ponder about it. We wonder what if and
feel we are
LOST.
When I’m probably lost until years to come.
Only to realize what I have done really impacts my future.

 

It was a conversation I had with my Mother that made me realize that I just need to keep going.
Please forgive me for my selfishness and restlessness.
Please forgive my passion other than school…

 

Oh, I love my Mom. She’s so great. Everytime she finds something like this or interesting
articles she immediately lets me know. The other day I found a actual letter in my mail box.
Wondering what it was I tore it open and I found a newspaper article in it.
I remembered that we talked about this newspaper article, but never thought she would
send it over like this!

I miss her so much…

Lots of loves,
hana.

my battle.

There are many realizations. Many mistakes.

Many should-a, would-a, could-a. Some too bitter to forget.

Just so much anger.
Just so much frustration.
Just so much fear for the future.

But I won’t let myself give up just yet.

I know

I am a fighter.

No,
I don’t pick fight with others
’cause I’m too busy fighting my own battles
’cause I believe by working at it
light will always shine through
no matter where you are,
who you are,
what you are.

Just for the single hope,
I need to fight for it.

I will fight for it.

 

 

 

 

 

This was what I thought about yesterday, while I was doing my assignment.
I feel we need to accept the situation we placed ourselves sometimes,
and just deal with it. Not avoid it, but fight with it, devour it, and struggle with it.
Do what we can do in that moment… So that there may be a few less things that we regret in life.

Being grateful.

As I was holding my freshly baked pandesal in the bright sunshine,
I was thinking about alot that had happened to be in the last few months.
It’s sometimes weird to think that so much can happen in such a short period of time.
It’s like riding a rollercoaster, where one second your down there, then you recover,
and when you think you’re at the height you drop right down.
And when life throws that at you, it is so emotionally draining that you wonder why
it has to be this way, when all this chaos is creating new change in our lives, which
could turn out to be marvelous.

Then we find ourselves dreading at how “boring” life could be, when
we are just afraid of starting the new thing that may change the comfortable
life we live in. We forget how to thank the people in our daily lives and realize
how “happy” we really are being able to have the special people in your life.

Family, friends, and important ones. They are in our lives daily that we almost forget
how important and meaningful they are to our lives.
Our family, especially parents for me that dedicate so much love and thought to their
daughter and unconditionally love them even if the path taken is so different from
what they thought we would take. The support and belief that I will grow to become a
better person each year.

I remember my graduate speech during highschool. The selected teacher giving a  speech
and he was asking all the students “what do you want to become?”
We all had big dreams. A doctor, artist, soccer player, technician, …any much more.

And then he asked the parents the similar question of “what do you want your children to become?”
Apparently, almost a 100% said, “I want them to become happy.”

Parents will always be parents.

My 20 years, it’s been so natural to be “loving” them.
When do we ever really tell them how much we appreciate them?
It seems a little difficult at times to actually directly tell them.
But I think when you do address it to them, they are so delighted.
They expect nothing when they give their love.

And may we not forget our second family, friends and our loved ones.

Moving out of my native country that I never lived out of, there are different connections
I created that have really supported me through my life here.
Some have left my life, some are in my life but I don’t see them as often anymore.
But no matter who they are, I am so grateful for their existance in my life.
Each person added so  much color and love to my life, grabbed my had
when I was just stuck being lonely. It was so great to have them around me.
And especially the ones who have stuck with me and seen me through bad and good times,
they really do love you in that they see your potential and they believe in your good.
When you fall hard, they are the people who hold on to you to, make sure you’re not
washed away in the ocean of the frightening society. They believe in the positive light in you
that they have witnessed and believe.
And assuming that they will always be there is probably really just selfish of us.
We also need to be able to help them and believe in them. Want the best of them
and most importantly give them “love” and treat them with “love.”
It always doesn’t need to reciprocate all the time for sure.
We shouldn’t expect all the time from others. But it is important
to give them when we feel like we have to. Help them when they are in critical state.
And that should come naturally if, they are important to us.
(But yes, we need to make sure personal mental health is in check first tho,
carrying too much is not healthy for anyone!)

So. I really want to thank all the people in my life.
I really need to let them know how I really appreciated them in my life.
Thank you. And I hope the best for all of you, even if we have we parted
for many different kinds of reasons.

So. Now let me get into the sunshine and enjoy my time outside!

Hope everyone is having a greaaat day

find the one.

“Find a guy who calles you beautiful instead of hot,
who calls you back when you hang up on him,
who will lie under the stars and listen to your heartbeat,
or will stay awake just to watch you sleep…
wait for the boy who kisses your forehead,
who wants to show you off to the world when you are in sweats,
who holds your hand in front of his friends,
who thinks you’re just as pretty without makeup on.
One who is constantly reminding you of how much he cares and
how lucky he is to have you…
The one who turns to his friends and says, ‘that’s her.’”

 

 

 

 

maybe, its just a matter of realizing, that he’s just

there.

just do it.

I remember my Mother once told me.

“When you have an urge or gut feeling that tells you to do something, just do it.
Especially the random words or kindness you feel like genuinely giving.
Cause if you keep it off, you’ll never get to it.”

I find this so true.

When you feel like you have to mention something in the middle of the night or
while all of a sudden when you’re in class day dreaming, it’s probably a true
desire that we should meet.

And those moments could transform into such an important moment for
both you and the person. It’s such a special moment, that is totally worth it
going out of your daily life to do it.

It’s a weird instinctual feeling, but it hurts nobody.
In this case, we should always

just do it.

mr. sunshine,i loveee you.

Oh sun, how I love you.

Everyone cherishs the sun here in Vancouver this time of year… And we keep on forgetting how cold
it gets when it’s sunny. People are walking around in their ridiculously cold looking autumn clothes.
I understand how exciting to see the sun, but people it’s still January!
I bet tomorrow everyone will be snatching the cold medicine at drugstores… They are on sale! hehe

Despite that craziness, I agree with the excitement of the sunny day tho.
It reminded me of the warm pretty sun in the spring in Japan.
This photo always reminds me of the beautiful day I was walking around my hill-y neighborhood.
I looked up and from the concrete wall, I found this growing out.

Such pretty flowers growing out of the concrete walls. They look perfect in the sunshine.
Makes me wanna carry around my camera again…. <3

mr. sunshine, i <3 you.

desires.

One of the greatest and worst thing about being young is that we desire.

Desires, motivate us it generates this enourmous energy that can push us through the worst of times.
It creates hope and makes us strive and stay strong.
We want it. So we protect things. We risk things. We realize our abilities and capacities.

But on the flip side, if you don’t control it well it eats up time that should be dedicated to
other parts of your life. Certain desires just will keep on making you think, and soemtimes
steer you to the wrong direction of what you should be looking for.
And when you get stuck in this kind of desire, who says its easy to escape it?
We think, we make things complicated, we love to stir things up so that we get some drama.
We love to think that we are on the search of some pure form of something when it is in front of
you and you, and you can’t accept it.

Reality, is beautiful, but may not be that glamorous.

Acceptance of this can be hard.

And to realize the place the super unrealistic desires into real desires,
desires that may seem unrealistic but achievable and valuable,
for young can be hard.

It seems that we like to be curious and hard to settle because we wish for
something better, we want something better in life, constantly.
Torn between the feeling of stability and continuous change is what we
young people have to learn to deal with.

We need to stop abusing ourselves with unnecessary brutal desires we dream
and replace them with the accepting heart, a big heart that can absorb and a big mind
that can analyze the outcomes of desires.

It is hard.
To reach it, you just may have to loose things, become hurt, and suffer.
But all that may just settle you down to realization, which is worth all of the above.
To struggle is something you cannot run away from.

Being young is awesome. We have this liberty to try out things.
But at the sametime, it is constant trial and error, instability.

This may be another 10 years of great big learning for me.

I don’t want to be scared to live making mistakes.
I’m excited for what awaits…Hopefully I can be smarter, for myself.